[Story] Intergalactic Earth
In which they're taken to church
An anonymous man stomped back and forth upon the pitted metal surface. He was black —- He was clad in Black skeletal armor with the teeth and bones interlocking behind reinforcements of metal, which projected the identity to all attending as Abaddon. “The Bible calls them locusts” he said, pointing to the cerulean holographic screen, “but they are so much more. Than desolators I mean. You'll learn about that later.”
An ugly alien who resembled having the jowls of jabba the hutt, but otherwise being fit, spoke. “And you're threatening us?”
“Oh yes. My creations make me basically invincible in every sort of situation, although so far the parameters have been severely limited for this invincibility. But things will keep improving: I haven't even properly invented them yet.”
“Rest assured that every kind of Galaxy infringing upon local space of the Earth will be infested by these creatures, and this will not be a pleasant process. As a bit of metaphysical trivia, this comes in part by your predecessors participating in inspiring the Original Sin affairs including as they extended beyond the Earth and so regardless of your actual intentions (I prefer to racistly think of you as aliens like I'm in one of our Sci-Fi TV shows) the profoundly transcendent consequence is that these beasties are going in hard.”
A long-necked one who would also not be out of place in Star Wars said “I take it he just made a joke about sodomizing us?”
An angel who appeared like a human in a starship suit stepped over and interceded: “he's still processing sin, he can't help the comedy of it.”
Another alien spoke: “Regardless, the Mother Mary approves of how he faces our outer heavens?”
The angel grinned. “Besides being a real gentleman who charms all, his extension into the heavens Beyond a currently existing human life is practically the 8th Wonder of the World. It is not important how you perceive it”, he ended by gesturing.
The holographic screen activated, displaying skullships connected individually to enlisted angel Underbeasts manifested within pop culture. One was the Skullgirl, another was Deathwing desynchronized from his current flight, yet another was Hauntlyre blazing its radar dish into the heavens, which was not really very impressive. Simultaneously they killed the guard every alien shared with their powers, then cooled their ships. Flesh floated in space.
“Mine are superior. Your models should be discarded.”
“Trillions of metaphorical Earth years of breeding for these space organic morph-asteroids, overturned on one metaphorical afternoon” wondered still another alien.
“Yes” said Abaddon, clad in the giant black gray skull of one of his monsters which had extended out of his armor to be eight times its previous size. “in friendly alien space they're already being worshiped by nonexistent aliens. Perfection incarnate, every single one of them. Now make the diplomatic stations God has pushed forth for you.”
“We Grant 87/114 of them. Apparently perfection is not enough.”
“For an inferior being such a fact would be quite a conundrum. But to the aliens enswathed in the cosmic comic book of Earth life, they've already solved it. You should send some aliens to check it out”
A few of the representatives pondered the possibility, considering moving in a few of their weakest galaxian creatures. And they all Departed